Dortmund Secures Relegation in Style

With the help of a few stalwart posts and crossbars, GIMP punching bag Borussia Dortmund climbed its way to the top of the relegation pile with another hard-fought draw with Arsenal, its second of the long Fall campaign.

Though Dortmund took an early lead after Kevin Großkreutz fought his way free in the box and found the upper 90, the successful result (fuck you, it's a success) can be laid at the feet of keeper Roman Weidenfeller.

With 15 saves to Szczęsny's 6 at the opposite end of the pitch, Weidenfeller was kept busy throughout the match. Certain managers may be familiar with the Cushing 4-Goal Guarantee (you tossers), and the guarantee looked all but fulfilled when Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain snuck a slow roller through the Dortmund defense and past the otherwise dependable Weidenfeller just 7 minutes after switching field.

However, manager Mike Cushing's lads managed to cope with defending the impossibly difficult and bewildering left side of the digital pitch and tightened up to deny Arsenal a victory.

"You can't help but be proud of a squad that keeps fighting knowing it's their last match," Cushing said. "In a few months' time, I will undoubtedly and inexplicably be managing another top-flight squad elsewhere, squandering some other pool of astounding talent. For these lads, though, it's all over after this. I'm glad I could help them go out on top. Or at least as near the top as this bunch of schmucks has ever seen."

Cushing then wiped away a single tear, and walked back to the dressing room.