In Oder Aus This Season

What better time than now to take a look back at some of the trends that have taken the DFA by storm, and others that have fallen off the face of the GIMP? After the first round is completed, you say? Well, Lord knows when that will happen. My guess is it will take a Christmas miracle to get arses in gear. *cough*Group B, I'm looking at you, you sad lot of bottlers.


IN

1. Scoring goals: Round one of the regular season has not even finished and we've already seen 126 goals go flying in in league play. That's 4.85 goals per game; absolutely exciting stuff.
 
2. Conceding goals: Round one of the regular season has not even finished and we've already seen 126 goals go flying in in league play. That's 4.85 goals per game; absolutely embarrassing stuff.

3. "C*ck" goals: 26 matches played thus far, and I've listened to a fair bit of them. Let me tell you, it's a bit troubling for me to hear every single goal that goes in proclaimed by the opposing manager as, "c*ck." This means that the system upon which our competition is based is utterly flawed and quite simply broken. It's an outright tragedy that we are forced to endure such injustice on a maddeningly regular basis. I, for what it's worth, apologize from the bottom of my heart for EA Sport's shortcomings in this year's abject failure of a game. Either that or we're a bunch of whiny, sore sports. Nah, it's the first bit.

4. Playing the victim: This season has ushered in a wave of predestination and resignation to the cruel whims of fate across the Xbox live airwaves. Some managers have expressed their hopelessness in certain contests, laying their performances at the feet of some unseen, cruel, karmic mistress. Have a go, the ball bounces both ways, lads.

5. Badgering the referee: Hot on the heels of everyone's favorite synonym for "rooster" as the most heard word on the headset, "REF!" has been blurted out at least 87.35 times per match (conservative estimate, Roma's matches skew the average a bit). Far be it from me to ruin the simulation, but that little digital match official is pre-programmed; and quite deaf.

6. Sassy blog banter: Perhaps this season more than ever, these pages have been riddled with some subtle and most not so subtle jabs, jibes, and outright insults. Whether it's determining whose pretentious diction is more accurate, who's actually joking, or whose rent boys are a bigger blight on the modern game (I think we've settled that one); the blog has been pushed to the limits of good taste...and beyond.

7. Retirement: If at first you don't succeed, quit. Normally reserved for mid-season calamity, retirement has been brought to the DFA yet again; this time after only a handful of games. What price an opening night sacking next season?


Out

1. Positive goal differentials: 'Tis better to give than to receive, and nowhere is this more apparent than our lovely league table. Boasting only two goal differentials that are currently above zero, it's obvious that the holiday spirit is rampant among the less selfish of the GIMP managers.

2. Fixture pacing: Two or three matches a week? That is soooo last season. Playing three in one sitting every two to three weeks is all the rage now. I suppose the rest of us will have to wait until its unfashionable to ignore match requests and phone calls after labor day. That's just wearing white? Damn it, we're screwed.

3. Rigid fixture list: Happen to be online at the same time as someone else? Go ahead and play. The schedule has been marginalized and demoted to a mere polite suggestion. It's the nature of the beasts and eight separate schedules that come with them, I suppose. A match played out of order is better than another two week hiatus.

4. Responding to texts: What rotten luck. Group B just happens to contain the only four members of the DFA that lack reliable cell phone service/text messaging plans. At least that's the picture painted by the individuals in it, as they shrug and point their fingers at the other guy. Why waste time and effort coming up with an excuse when it's so much easier just to ignore it? (The best part: each one will think this bit is about the other three.)

5. Group B: Ehh...they've gotten enough stick on this post already.